Turn Up the Heat: 10 Easy Steps to Better Phone Sex

You're away on business, you don't know anyone in this town, you're holed up in your hotel room, feeling alone and lonely (read: horny), and since you're not a cheating scumbag and this isn't Up in the Air, you decide to pick up the phone and call your partner back home, hoping for a little cellular nookie, aka phone sex.

But it goes something like this: "I just called to say, uh... well, I was thinking we could... you know... oh, never mind. How's the weather where you are?"

There's nothing like phone sex to make you feel like an awkward teen all over again. Regular sex? You've got it down: pour two glasses of wine, play some smooth tunes, get naked, get busy, orgasms all around, rinse, repeat. But fiber-optic relations? The person on the other end of the line could be fully clothed and watching Top Chef on mute for all you know. They could be faking it or smirking at your clumsy attempts at dirty talk. 

Without being in the same room, performance anxiety is practically inevitable. It can feel like auditioning for a casting director who demands, "Say something sexy!" So here’s how to “reach out and touch someone” successfully:

1. Plug in your headset to free up your hands and avoid neck cramps.

2. Hold all calls. Answering call-waiting during tele-sex, even during tele-foreplay, suggests you’ve got better things to do — or worse, better people to do.

3. Once you’ve dialed, start with the “I wish you were here” line as your opener.

4. Don’t jump into your best phone-sex-operator impression right away. If your partner knows you as the quiet type, suddenly spouting a string of obscenities that would make the Osbornes blush may not have the erotic effect you're going for. Also, check how in the mood your partner is — if they’re stressed with a deadline or dealing with kids, they probably won’t be in sync with your current sexual aspirations. As with any lust-driven encounter, enthusiastic consent is key. In other words, DON’T pull a Louis CK!

5. Dead air during phone sex can kill the vibe, but some heavy breathing, the occasional moan, or simply whispering their name can fill those awkward silences. Make some noise! Otherwise, your partner might think you’re watching TV or doodling on the hotel notepad.

6. If you’d like to graduate to full sentences but don’t know where to start, try reading something sexy over the phone. Tell your partner, “I read this today and thought of you,” and as long as they’re into it, start articulating your desire. Think of it as narration: you're simply talking about what you’d like to do to them or what you're doing to yourself while you do it.

7. Start with basic terms for each other's genitals, and gradually raise the stakes. Don't worry about creative vocabulary at first. Once you become more fluent in the language of love, you can get more colorful. As a rule of thumb, the more words a term for genitals contains, the more likely it will induce giggles or discomfort.

8. To get your partner involved, ask them what they're doing. Ask exactly how it feels. Ask what they'd do to you if you weren’t a thousand miles away. If your partner is shy, get them talking with simple yes or no questions: "Are you undressed?" "Does that feel good?"

9. Whatever you do, don’t laugh at anything your partner says. Not only will it kill the mood, but it will make them self-conscious and inhibited in the verbal sex department.

10. Whatever you end up saying, say it with confidence and don’t censor yourself. If you’re embarrassed, your partner will be embarrassed for (and by) you. Commit to the dirty talk, and you’ll have an unforgettable experience.