Is it odd to keep track of your sexual experiences, or is it a form of self-improvement?
Among the many lists we maintain on our phones—grocery lists, books we want to read, drunken poetry we want to revisit the next morning—there's a more private and personal one, especially if you're a millennial woman: a list of everyone you've slept with. Sometimes, these names are noted chronologically—first to last—as if cataloging a list of the deceased. Other times, the list appears more chaotic, featuring nicknames or descriptors based on your memory.
Although it may sound childish, this practice is surprisingly common. Almost every female friend I have diligently maintains such a list, a discovery I made during a dinner conversation last week. I later asked my Instagram followers if they kept a similar list. Many do, and they were eager to share their reasons.
“It’s a reminder of my past mistakes and my recent upgrades,” one woman said. “I keep it to track and remember funny stories and important lessons,” another added. Many described the list as a self-improvement exercise: “It reminds me of how far I've come,” one woman noted. Another commented, “I keep it in case I want to create a scene like Tracey Emin,” referencing the famous artist's iconic installation featuring the embroidered names of everyone she has slept with.
Keeping such a list can indeed be a valuable practice, serving as a reminder of your worth during tough times and helping to identify negative patterns, according to some relationship experts. “It allows you to see if there are any emerging trends,” says relationship counselor James Preece. “For instance, how many partners were already in a relationship with someone else? How many were commitment-averse? Analyzing this kind of information is extremely helpful when strategizing your dating life, giving future relationships the best chance of success from the start.”
For some, there’s little thought behind the list. “Most of them don’t even have real names,” one person replied. “I jot down little notes beside them as a reminder to myself that dating and sex can be fun and shouldn’t be taken too seriously,” added another. Many mentioned they enjoyed occasionally sharing the list during pub conversations for humorous reasons. “It’s fun to reminisce with my friends,” one person explained. Others likened it to keeping a journal: “It’s an easy memory aid. It’s like saying, ‘Oh, that’s what I was doing that year.’”
As some may know, especially those who have seen "Sex and the City," there are also practical benefits. A detailed record of your sexual history can be useful if, for example, you contract an STI—remember the episode where Miranda gets chlamydia and has to call all her recent partners? It can also serve an oddly sentimental purpose. “I had forgotten I kept a list,” says Anna*, 31. “I’m engaged now, and I just saw that it was last updated in 2020, right after my first date with my current fiancé. So you can see that date went well!”
If you maintain a list, the question arises of how you use it when you’re not adding new names. “I don’t look at it often,” says Jess*, 30, who started her list after her first breakup a decade ago. “I’ve been in a long-term relationship for a year now, and I haven’t checked it more than once since then. I do refer to it during doctor visits when they ask about my recent sexual history, which allows me to give a more informed answer.”
Some check their lists more frequently. “I look at it about once a month,” says Kirsty*, 26. “Usually because we’ve discussed it with friends, and I’m trying to remember that guy who was crazy about golf, or how many women I’ve slept with, or whether I slept with John before I met Andy.”
It’s a strange thing: keeping track of your sexual adventures in a way that resembles writing a list of your five favorite people on the back of your hand (did anyone else do that in school?). Honestly, I was surprised at how many people outside my friend circle admitted to doing this.
“I wonder if there’s something to ensuring you remember them all, so you don’t come off as ‘easy,’” Anna ponders. “I think there’s an underlying shame that drives us to this. Because heaven forbid a woman not know how many she’s slept with.” Indeed, when it comes to the number of names on your list, there’s no doubt that social standards for men and women still differ.
“Part of this recording habit stems from societal pressures and gender stereotypes, and how we value a high or low number of sexual partners,” says counselor Georgia Sturmer. For some, that’s also why they don’t keep a list. “I don’t want to be judged for how many people I can’t remember,” says one woman. “I think it would be disrespectful to my current partner,” adds another.
For me, it serves as a reminder of the experiences I've had, the people I've met, and even where I was at that point in my life.
Carl*, 34. These thoughts don’t seem to bother the men I know. “It’s weird,” says a male friend. “Who needs a list of people they’ve ‘met’? We’re not in school anymore, where you get popularity points for sleeping with someone attractive. Also, who is this list for? To remember that you actually sleep with people?”
That doesn’t mean there aren’t men who keep lists—sometimes not for the best reasons. “I had an ex-boyfriend who did this and ranked people to come up with the best average,” one woman shares. “He never told me my score.” One man states he keeps a list because he feels “it’s important to acknowledge a meaningful interaction,” while another replies that he doesn’t do it “because three people aren’t a list.”
“I have a list on my phone of the people I’ve dated since moving to London in 2015,” says Carl*, 34. “Having gone in and out of relationships since then, the list has grown quite large. I don’t feel pride (or shame) about it, nor do I see it as some scoreboard or use it to track who I’ve slept with. For me, it’s a reminder of the experiences I’ve lived, the people I’ve met, and even where I was in that stage of my life.”
Even though he’s in a long-term relationship, Carl still sees looking back at the list as a positive exercise. “I think I’ve met wonderful people and made good and bad decisions. Ultimately, all these experiences have helped me reinforce things about myself and appreciate more what I love about my girlfriend and why I think we’re such a good match. Also, I’m pretty forgetful, so it likely helps with that too.”
In a dating landscape that can feel so fleeting, where you can swipe right, meet someone, and “lose” them within a week, perhaps a list provides a sense of permanence amid this often fragile experience. “It reminds you that these experiences actually happened,” Carl adds. “As if they have some small significance and those individuals hold some meaning for you, if you want them to.”
In the wake of casual sex culture, the quest for meaning in our sexual encounters may hold more value than ever, even on a personal level. “Just because we’ve slept with someone and haven’t entered into a relationship with them doesn’t mean we feel no sense of tenderness toward our encounter,” Sturmer says.
